I am so sick today? Not actually a question. I feel like absolute garbage. Nauseous as heccccccccc. And with a nasty headache. I swear to god if I have COVID I'm going to lose my god damn mind.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
It's already snowed like 4" (10 cm) and it's not even the heavy snow yet today. At least that means that I'm for real stuck at home with no chance of being dragged into errands. Hooray. I'd change into jammies, but I keep having to shovel cos SNOWPOCALYPSE and so what's the point? MiL is at chemo all day, so at some point spouse is going to have to dig out to go get her. I just hope it's all done before the "heavy snow" this afternoon/evening.
I'm letting my phone update and it's always this fun game of "will it brick?" and when I say "fun" I mean "thanks, I hate it."
I think it's about time for my twice-yearly Hannibal rewatch. It's been a minute and I love it so much it is so perfect. Aaaaaaaaaah.
I'm about halfway through the second book in the Xenogenesis trilogy. I hope it never gets made into teevee or movies cos like, it will be done so fucking poorly.
I should work on my proposal but all I want to do is play video games. It's a fucking problem. But I'm SO CLOSE to being done with the holiday quest chain for The Dawning and I just don't want to miss out on finishing it this year like I did last year cos of my stupid broken arm. WHAT ARE PRIORITIES EVEN.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
This week has been a lot, y'all.
I bought a bunch of fruit at the grocery store last Sunday cos I'm trying to be a healthier person. This evening I'm going to try my hand at making some wheat bread. I have wheat toast with agave and peanut butter every morning with a cup of delicious flavored black tea. I'm trying to make more things at home because I'm slowly working on not having so much sugar? I should find a recipe for protein bars that aren't just candy bars like the ones we buy every week.
Today' is a tilt-a-whirl of feeling fine and then feeling like I'm going to cry and I do not care for it. I think I should actually dedicate some time to really reading the stoics. I don't like when my feelings are the boss of me. Nope.
I feel like I don't have anything interesting to say today. Or like I'm boring. Idk. I think I'm probably actually just exhausted.
Things that are good: Hilda , Adam Ruins Everything , Adventure Time: Distant Lands , Xenogenesis by Octavia Butler . I haven't finished any of these things yet, so I am not going to give deep dives on any of them yet. I just know I'm enjoying them right now.
I think that's all for today. I'm just not feeling very anything right now.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
This week has been a lot. Maybe tomorrow I'll be a real person with a real update.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I'm super distracted today. I think it's a combo of uterus-week and also itching to be off for shutdown for the next week. I'm just antsy. I don't even want to be doing anything. I just want to not be at work. El. Oh. El.
I rescued the waxed amaryllis bulb I was given for the holidays. Or, I should say that I removed it from the wax, peeled off the outside layer which was starting to rot, and potted it up. Hopefully it'll take root and survive. We'll see if it manages to take hold. Here's to hoping.
Spouse's mom just got told today that her cancer is terminal. So that's all for now.
Talk tomorrow.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Today fucking sucks. I'm not getting into details. It's just one of those days where everything I do is wrong and I am not a fan of it.
Here's to tomorrow not being shit.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Goodness but do I hate when I find a cool tutorial on YT and I go to subscribe and BAM they have a billion ~devotional~ videos. I was raised catholic. I actually paid attention. Especially to passages like this:
Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. 2Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 3But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: 4That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly. 5And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 6But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
I cannot stand people who outwardly profess their faith. I don't care what faith it is. It rings hollow and self-serving. I'm not sorry. I don't beleive in any woo stuff at all in any context, but back when I was young and trying to convince myself that I should I was VEHEMENTLY dedicated to silent and personal practice. Who is it even for? You? Me? Likes & Subscribes? Ya boring.
Anyway whatever that stuff is trite and I don't like it and it put me in a bad mood. Blech. Go away.
In better-mood stuff, I am excited becaue the holiday order from spouse's work got filled a few days early, so I got all the stuff we purchased with ~company cash~. I'm gonna work on finishing decorating my office. It's gonna be so cute.
I have some ideas for the dry goods storage for our kitchen and I am thinking that maybe I'll pick it up post-xmas. Maybe there will even be ~post holiday sales~ or something. My lists and archives in OneNote are growing. I really cannot sing OneNote's praises highly enough. it's just so good. I never could get the hang of Evernote and I have [redacted] reasons for using OneNote so I realize y'all's mileage may vary, but if you have the option I would say it's worth checking out.
Circling back to the whole gardening vidoe kerfuffle from my morning, if anyone has good gardening sites that are NOT religious, I am always looking for more!
Off to the weekend. I'll be back on Monday.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Today turned out to feel so long and it's just not over.
I haven't had a chance to do anything much that I'd intended to today, but you know what? That's okay.
I am going to call it an early evening (not a morning update today cos nothing went as I planned today) and read a book or play some video games.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I am feeling time crunch and I am just tired. I am having such a hard time adjusting to work starting and ending later in the day. I'm going to have to start staying up later and it sucks because spouse's work day is still early. Blech. Every time I think I have time management under control I realize how much I do not. I'm working on it. I am a work in progress. Tonight I think I'm just going to stay up and work on my thesis because it needs to be done. It's fine. If I can separate being angry about having to use my evening for work it isn't so bad.
My energy ebbs and flows so much and I am having such a hard time keeping myself even keel. I am really tired today. But like pre-tired. I had an early meeting at 7 am and I have a late meeting at 4:30 pm. I think the hardest part of WFH is that no one respects time boundaries? I mean they are actually really good about "don't feel like you have to respond RIGHT NOW, just get around to it." But also a ton of folks I work with are PST and they are 2 hours behind me BUT they also start their days late so it's like they don't understand that a meeting at 3 pm their time is already off-the-clock time for me. Maybe once I'm out of training I'm just going to have to start working 9-5. Training starting at 8 am makes me really allergic to doing anything after 4.
I am going to practice some illeism today to remove some of the blech emotions I'm feeling right now, and give myself some compassion.
I can tell I'm upset with myself because my patience with everyone else is very short. And it's not anyone's fault; I should have been spending more time on my thesis. And I haven't. And it's bad. I am going to stop blaming COVID or anything else and just get to work on getting back into the groove. Part of my time management problem has definitely been COVID and a blurring of boundaries, and then changng my entire career, and all of that is fair, but I also still have to actually do the fucking work. So I'm gonna do that. I can do this. It isn't hard, it's just time consuming. I can do this.
I'm sitting here dissatisfied with this entry and that's silly. It's fine. I'm just in the grump zone. I'll get over it.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I got my final paycheck from my previous employer today. It was.....a lot more than I was anticipating. Spouse joked it was my "golden parachute." Anyway, I paid off our credit card and that was nice. We're now quite a few months ahead of where I'd anticipated financially, and that's before a different thing gets paid out in January. Not too shabby.
I did the stupid thing where I sat online in queue for a PS5 from BestBuy for 5 hours and didn't get on. I don't need one. No one NEEDS one. But I want it. Cos video games is one of the things I do to relax. And I want to see Destiny on it. It will be gorgeous, I just know it. Sigh
I WAS very productive today tho. (I'm at lunch right now.) I got up at 5 and made bread to go with our "beef" stew. I cleaned all the rooms I'd intended to clean yesterday and today. I turned in my research questions (one day late, but yesterday was a lot). I'm putting together a recipe section in my OneNote cos it makes me happy. I also now have a few different checklists of things I'd like to buy or do. Fuck, but a nice list is just SO GOOD. I really like being organized. You would think I would recognize that about myself by now. Not even organized necessarily. I love to MICROMANAGE. This is also a curse because I get so bogged down when trying to tidy things IRL cos I need every inch of everywhere to be perfect or else I feel like a failure and that's not good. I've gotten better at letting that kind of thing go and it's helped me to get more organized and tidy as a result. Just inch by inch. Like I really need to clean out my closets but that can go on the list for WAY LATER IN THE FUTURE.
Idk y'all. I think I might be becoming a person who just does a lot of stuff at home. Like baking bread instead of buying loaves. I realize other people hit this point way sooner in the pandemic, but switching careers and moving to WFH has really opened my eyes to how I can do more at home to help us to be less wasteful/consumer-y with pre-made food stuff. (Don't talk to me about video games. This is different.) I think it just makes me feel more present. I can't be on THE INTERNET if I'm baking. Same with gardening. It's like I found a way to passively ground myself from the internet by providing myself a productive avenue so it feels less like a punishment or withdrawal.
I have a couple of plants I'm currently ignoring because I accidentally overwatered both of them and I'm hoping it's not so severe that they can't bounce back. I smother sometimes. I am trying to get better about it. It's hard. I am very bad for succulents. "But they're so easy!" NOT FOR A PERSON WHO LIKES TO VISIT AND WATER EVERY PLANT EVERY DAY. Sigh. Lol
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
We got a lot done this weekend and it was really awesome. We bought a cute runner rug for our bedroom, I got a bunch of humidifier filters (stocking up cos they go out of stock way before the humidity comes back), we bought some additional sandwich-sized plates. I MADE BREAD FROM SCRATCH and it was good. I used it to make a french toast bake (I refuse to call it a casserole cos that makes me nauseous). It turned out really good and now I just want to only make bread at home. I probably will. Though I do think I want to get into more loaf-shaped bread. And I want to find a nice italian bread recipe. I love italian sandwich bread. I grew up on Rotella's. I still only eat Rotella's. Now I just want to make it at home.
I am subscribed to too many podcasts. I did a good thing last week which is I chose to cut myself off from doomscrolling social media. It's funny, I left birbsite like 4 years ago, but when COVID started I just got sucked back in. I didn't make a new account, but I did quickly scope out a bunch of folks that I knew I could get timely info from. And I've been depressed ever since. So I stopped. And now I need to winnow my podcasts. It's hard because I love all of them????? But I just literally do not have the hours in the day necessary to listen to all of them. I'm like 10 hours behind and it stresses me out. Okay I just unsubscribed from 8 podcasts. I already feel better. Now I can add some more gardening and cooking podcasts but like, carefully and thoughtfully. Not just a bunch of "oh you want to be on the verge of a panic attack every single day" kind of thing.
I have officially transitioned from rescuing animals to rescuing plants. I can't save every poinsettia, but I can save 1. So I did. It is very pretty. It has leaves that are red with white variegation and I love it. It was just very dry and so I gave it a ton of water from the base and let it perk back up. It's doing great.
I have given myself permission to not do certain things on the weekend. No website updates, no workouts (on Sundays), no homework. We got a ton of snow overnight Friday into Saturday and I let 2 hours of shoveling take the place of the work out I had planned to do. It was more work than the workout anyway. I somehow managed to have a lovely weekend even without video games. I read a bunch of Xenogenesis and it is so good and I love it. I finished the first book and am on to the second.
Spouse threw his back out while shoveling and I tried to help him baby it all weekend. It's still bad and we're both just hoping that his workplace is as slow as everyone is anticipating for the upcoming weeks. Thankfully he's taking Wednesday off to take his mom to a bunch of medical visits. Her chemo is wrapping up and so they want to do MRIs and CATScans and see how things are going. Hopefully well. Her last chemo is in a few weeks and it would be nice if it was super successful and didn't require a ton of additional stuff. At least not for a while. She deserves a break.
I'm going ot rearrange a bunch of furniture and move some plants around today. I'm excited. I'm also going to get out a couple of our other humidifiers and see if I can't make it more comfortable in this house.
Tonight we're prepping our super tasty vegan beef stew so that I can get it cooking all day tomorrow. I am very very very excited. I'm gonna make another bread loaf cos it will be super tasty to have a crusty, dense bread to pair with the stew. Omnomnom.
Our new trash service continues to only pick up recycling every other week and we just create SO MUCH recycling. I end up having to put in all in the trash. Intellectually I understand that only 10% of what I put into our single-stream recycling is recycled, and that recycling programs are just shams to make us feel like we're doing the right thing BUT emotionally it causes me huge grief to put any recyclables int othe trash. Part of the reason I found that bread recipe is that I want to create less waste. So I'll make bread. And we'll make more slow-cook meals. And get away from all this garbage from pre-made meals that solely require a microwave. I can do better.
We also got our next toadlilies single mastered and completed the art on Saturday. Keep an eye out for that on January 1st! here's our website . If you're a BandCamp user, we'd love support over there! You can keep up with all of our different musical efforts by following our label Oh My Golly!'s website or BandCamp .
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Going from a monthly paycheck to biweekly paychecks is a fuck. Like yes, I got a raise, and yes I'll get paid again in two weeks. But like looking at the one I just got and only seeing the 1/2 part of (x + y)/2 is gutting. I'll feel better on 12/25 when I get paid again. And I realize it's just a paradigm shift, just like the paradigm shift I had going from weekly pay to monthly pay 8 years ago, it's just still A LOT. Anyway I just spent an hour clicking around in my YNAB and I now feel much better about the whole thing. Still a fuck, though. (BTW, if you are considering YNAB, hey use my referral code please.
I'm still planning to order a bunch of raised beds but I have stuff I need to do at home first and I think I'm going to *gasp* focusing on buying 1-2 at a time while I prep the room I want to turn into a potting area (and workout room cos that's just how we're going to be dividing space untilwe can get our plumbing redone and our basement finsihed, etc etc etc). Plus like I need a shelf and grow lights and tons of soil and seeds and seed start trays and a space heater and all this stuff way before I need those raised beds. Yes I may miss a sale, but it'll be more ~fiscally responsible~. Plus plus this way I can actually budget it all out instead of buying everything on our card and then having to pay that trash back plus interest.
I am dealing with like 85 different tedious things that have to do with bills and all this bullshit and it is making me very irritated. I'm trying to just make bulleted lists and knock them out one at a time but I am ready to scream. This is probably a large part of why I am just pouring all of my interest and time into gardening. It gives me results immediately and the only person I can blame for failure is myself. I hate having to wait on/rely on anyone else for anything.
Unrelated to money but DEFINITELY related to plants. I'm thinking about putting away all of my old gaming systems. I'm not ready to sell them, but I have a huge glass shelf that I can put my lamps on that have full spectrum light bulbs in them and that will give me a ton of space for MORE PLANTS. Well, more plants of a certain height anyway. Plus then I can unplug a ton of stuff and that seems like a good idea. I don't actually use my old gaming systems hardly ever. I should probably also dump off a load of funko pops for stuff I don't care about anymore.
Bleh it's almost time to log in for work. Let me get down to business so that this day can be over.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I have fallen down the rabbit hole of gardening. Whoops. Anyway, I'm really enjoying Epic Gardening . I am going to order some of those amazing raised beds from Birdies cos my soil is traaaaaaaaaaaaaash. And I have been wanting to get away from tilling and this seems like a good way to do it. I'm also poking around at different heirloom seed catalogs cos fuck it I guess I'm going all in on this.
I'm rehabing an old happy planner cos I want to have a paper notebook for my garden stuff, calendars for planting/harvesting etc, but I honestly might just switch over to a regular notebook. I have lots of notebooks.
I was thinking about creating a new website dedicated just to the garden but I'm also aware that I'm in the throes of I WANT TO DO A THING and I know my follow through isn't always the best and Idk if I want to buy another domain etc etc etc plus the dgarden tld is stupid expensive and I don't care for it. I can do it here and it will be great. I've got the space marked out for plants in tags already anyway so I might as well make the most of it.
I guess really the first thing I need to do, after I measure out our garden area to see how many beds I want to buy, is to start pricing everything out. I should know how many dollars this is gonna run me. I already know I want to order a vermiculture bag . I also want to get all of this stuff ordered ASAP cos it's all on sale. Yikes. I want a shed and a greenhouse, but honestly if I'd just get off my ass and clean off our back porch I'd have plenty of room for stuff. I also need to reach out to this guy that we know who will haul stuff away. We have so much shit that just needs to go.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I just learned that ABC News laid off Clare Malone, who was the best part of 538. What a damn bummer. No I'm not interested in anyone's opinions of 538 or Nate Silver. Anyone who tuned in to their election podcasts and her writing knows that Clare Malone was the brightest star, and I thin because of her explicit disdain for *flails arms to indicate everything* the one who would be most likely to get laid off. I hope she gets picked up by someplace amazing. She is a powerhouse and I don't even know if I wnat to listen to 538 podcasts without her. If Perry Bacon Jr. goes, I'm done.
I'm sick to my stomach cos I have to meet with my manager's boss today and even though everyone says he's so nice I'm just ill with feelings of imposter syndrome and needing to prove myself and feeling like I'm not doing enough. It's fun! /cries forever
Still on the hunt for a PS5 cos I guess I'm just determined to be a total garbage person. I just wanna play Destiny 2 on something fancy. Honestly it's all I want to do ever. Winter is hard. I hate this dark. HATE IT. I'm trying ot remind myself that in a couple of weeks daylight will start coming back. I really need my employer to go full "you can be remote forever if you want" so I can move closer to the equator where the amount of sunlight is the same EVERY DAMN DAY and also it's never cold.
I am trying to find a respository that explains how to do all the pc keyboard things I take for granted on my work Mac. Like why isn't there a separte delete button. How do I alt-tab between different windows of hte same program, etc ,etc. I do like that I can just have every application automatically restart on Mac. I am looking into a simple way to make that work on PC.
I am really struggling with mamerican politics. Mostly because they suck shit. I don't use hellsite, but I peruse it on occasion and some guy tweeted on Nov 7th that "this is the happiest you'll ever be with Biden's presidency" and it's already so true that I just want to puke. Also because I DIDN'T WANT HIM AS THE CANDIDATE. But whatever. I'm tired. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of thinking about it. Nothing changes because these old, awful, selfish, centrist pricks just do whatever they want all damn day and we all suffer the consequences forever and ever, amen. And I realize that disengaging just means that it'll stay this way forever but I can't. I'm 40, I'm fucking tired. I cannot run myself through this wringer any more.
So I'm going to unsubscribe from all of the political podcasts I listen to, or maybe just mute them updating? I gotta figure out how to pause their feeds on my app.
I'm going to refocus on plants and planning my garden for next year and also probably wouldn't be a bad idea to actually work on my thesis or something? I need to get my research questions written by Monday so I can discuss them with my advisor on Thursday.
I also need to somehow find plant people to get into that aren't also into woo. I hate digging into anything , I was going to say wellness-related but honestly anything at all ever, because it's always thick with people who are all "balance your chakras" or some dumb thing that isn't real and I just want to enjoy a thing because I enjoy a thing and not because ~wooooooo~.
Anyway I'm done crabbing. Maybe I'll drag spouse to a greenhouse so that I can get an injection of living things and sunlight. I should also probably get my happiness light set up. I am struggling with where to put it. I don't have enough surface space. Womp.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
It's Tuesday. I'm over the wave of hormonal negativity. I think it might have been record time this go 'round. Only took 40 years. El oh el.
We got all of our exterior lights up yesterday. The house looks very cute. We also got some of those light-sensitive lights that are shaped like reindeer and shit cos we're just going all in on festive stuff. Why not. This year is bad, let's have some fun. I really need to wrap the gifts we already have. I think that will help me to think about things that we would still like to get.
I am slowly carving out an understanding of what I'm doing at work. It isn't easy. I am still in the middle of training. But I'm coming from what is frankly an abusive workplace, and I'm not used to taking my time. I am trying to be careful to not put it out there that I'd like to do MORE THINGS because I'd like to have a real work-life balance at this place. But I still feel inadequate and like I'm not pulling my weight. It'll be fine. I'm used to having imposter syndrome.
Spouse took the day off so he could take his mom to chemo and get our new car plated. I wish he took every day off. I wish he'd just quit his job. Maybe having a day like today will make that seem more like a thing he would like to do? Idk. He's been listening to Watts talk about how if you only live for a future that you are pinning your hopes on, you'll never get it and how working a job you hate is stupid (IF you are lucky enough to be able to leave it, I recognize the layers of privilege inherent in that statement. Also he said it in the 1970s, when most jobs actually paid well.) But he totally could quit his job and it would be fine. I mean, we wouldn't be AHEAD like we are with him working it, but we'd be stable. And I'm fine with that.
I'm still on the hunt for a PS5 like a fucking goon. Pray for Mojo.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Haven't put our exterior xmas lights up because the weather is so cold that the sticky hooks wouldn't stick yesterday. Today it's supposed to be 55F/13C so it'll get done today. Thanks global warming, I guess.
Got a bit of xmas shopping done this weekend. It's hard cos covid and also cos we just buy whatever we want whenever we want. Whoops. I'm waiting on a package for spouse to show up today so that I can wrap it and it is all good. I keep holding out hope for a PS5 (I check stock multiple times every day like a total goon. El oh el) cos I have decided I NEED it.
I have moved around a bunch of my houseplants in order to make room for holiday tchotchkes and whoops even though I have more plants everywhere in my house it just makes me want to get even more plants. I also really want to put up shelves on brackets, but I want glass shelves and those are apparently impossible to find/horribly dated??????? GIVE ME GLASS SHELVES FOR FUCKING BRACKET SHELVING FFS.
I've been using OneNote for keeping checklists and it's super convenient, but you can only originate checklists in the phone app and like, I realize I always have my phone on hand but it's dumb as hell that I have to create a list on my phone just so I can update it on my desktop. Whatever, this is the dumbest first world problem.
I'm trying every day to get my spouse to quit his job. Today he threw me a curve ball of wanting to go back to school, which is FANTASTIC, but I'm afraid that it's going to be another reason to stay at work (gotta pay for tuition) so idk. I'm team Quit Your Job AND Go Back to School. Especially since I'm cashing out A Thing and it won't be an insignificant amount of $$.
I finallly started reading Xenogenesis by Octavia Butler yesterday. I'll report back when I finish it, but so far I like it a lot! I guess technically it's not called Xenogenesis anymore, or more that it's usually called The Xenogenesis Series, but I have a very old compiled copy and that's how its titled.
Anyway I was only slightly productive this weekend which is good for self-care but also I was trying to not be cunty all weekend cos I was in peak!PMS and it's so hard to just BE FUCKING NICE when that is upon me so now I'm feeling some guilt but also that means I'm going to be more productive and that's good. I have the post-PMS-blahs-manic-upswing and I'm gonna put it to good use.
I have 30 minutes until I have to log into work meetings, so let's see what I can accomplish in that time window.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I can say that I wasted the whole day playing video games and that would be true. I can also say that I never get any time to myself to just fuck off and do nothing and that is also true.
I did get our christmas stuff put out. I'm going to buy a "ladderless" outside light putter upper so that I don't break my arm again. Not breaking my arm sounds like a great thing. I also worked out this morning. But I didn't do anything else.
I need to get a paper finished. I should have worked on music. I forgot to set eye appointments. So I guess whether today was a good idea or not is purely a matter of perspective. I just know that I don't get to relax. And it makes me insane.
I don't have a whole lot else to write about. I'm tired. My head hurts. I just want to sleep.
I realize this is mostly PMS. I just need it to go away.
I'm gonna go break down some boxes to put into our fancy new recycling bin.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Okay so I'm going to try to be a positive person? El oh el
Yesterday I got my cleaning all caught up. I am also almost done putting about 15 bottles of lotion remainders (I hate pump lotion bottles, they are so wasteful. I save them all with their 1-2 cm of untouched lotion to put int onearly empty bottles so that I'm not being wasteful. Then I get lazy and end up with 15 nearly-empty bottles. On the plus side, that becomes 2.5 bottles of "free" lotion.") into 1-2 bottles so that's good. This lotion isn't cheap and I'd like to not buy any for a few weeks or even a month.
Spouse has to work AGAIN this Saturday because capitalism is stupid and terrible and I hate it. I will try to use this time positively. I can work on music and I can work on doctoral research and I can be not a slug. I could also do laundry a day early, but not sheets cos we have a "fresh bed" ritual for Sundays that I refuse to disrupt. It's nice cozying into a perfeclty "new" bed at the start of the week.
I need to get both myself and spouse in for eye checks and I'm dreading it cos COVID, but we both have familial histories of glaucoma and I also have macular degeneration on my mom's side so EYE DOCTOR DURING A PANDEMIC it is. I also really need new glasses. My eyes are trash, y'all.
I'm trying to decide what book I want to read next. Part of me wants to re-read Dune in anticipation of the new theatrical interpretation queued up for Oct 2021, but part of me also wants to concentrate on only reading stuff I haven't read before. I mean, why waste time? I'm fucking 40 already.
I'm reminding myself that all the redundant things that are happening in training today means that I have time to do other things. Which is good! Cos I'm gonna be so god damn busy in the coming weeks. Perspective perspective perspective.
It's amazing how yesterday I dusted and so it doesn't necessarily look cleaner (I've been working hard on BEING TIDY) but it FEELS so much better. Like I KNOW it's clean and that makes a huge difference. Turns out all of my fastidious friends growing up were really onto something. Who'd've thunk it?
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Hello Thursday.
I set out our trash yesterday early enough that I legit thought that yesterday WAS trash day and almost called the city hotline to say that we'd been skipped. WHOOPS. A new company just took over the city's trash and the last month and a half has been a nightmare as our (now) previous waste management compnay just punted like whoa. Taking a deep breath and waiting to see how these fancy new trucks with robot arms pick up trash in our narrow-ass alley.
I didn't get the cleaning done that I'd intended yesterday, but that's okay. I front-loaded deep-cleaning chores onto Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday purposefully so that Thursday and Friday could be lighter. Plus work during training is pretty light. Like, I can clean while I'm listening to the training cos it's not actually for me and also I'm not even going to be running these trainings in the future, except as a kind of understudy.
I kind of have a headache this morning but I don't feel like taking any ibuprofen? I don't know I just feel kind of blech. It's probably uterus stuff. I am bad at keeping track of cycles and so even though I'm 40 I'm surprised by everything every single time.
Speaking of late-in-life revelations. Yesterday I realized that when I am feeling intimidated or uncomfortable around male-presenting people it's because I think they're attractive. el oh el what a thing to figure out after 40 years of being alive. I guess I just default to hating men so much (as is right and good) that I completely sublimated feeling attractive into "you make me feel vulnerable and therefore you are not to be trusted." They're not someone I want to pursue. I don't want to pursue anyone. Yuck. I just didn't expect to be so thoroughly betrayed by hormones. Womp womp. It is nice to be able to identify this though, so that I can re-route my kneejerk reaction appropriately into "so what you think they're cute. Now that you know it you can move on instead of feeling vaguely uncomfortable around them forever." Feelings are dumb.
Anyway, I 'm gonna do the thing I hate most ON THIS PLANET, which is dust a shit ton of shelves so that things aren't, well, dusty. Dust is bad. Also it will help me to put off vacuuming until later in the day.
I'm thinking about changing ye olde website a little bit. Like maybe I should have month archive pages or something? I don't know. I guess technically right now I have ~infinite scroll~ since I just keep adding posts to the top of the pages for either created or consumed content. I just know that editing this page is kind of a pain in the ass becuase there is so much code and that bogs it down cos I'm lazy and I refuse to not edit in browser. Also because I don't know how to mount this page from hard drive and no, no amount of tutorials makes it make any fucking sense. I only knew how to do that via adobe and I'm not paying a kermillion dollars for that SAaS. Yuck.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Dropped the ball on a couple of things yesterday, but overall it was okay, if exhausting. I think I'm going to be working 10-12 hour days until I'm done with training and even tho it's WFH its still so very tiring.
On the plus side, my spine is slowly learning that it has to conform to the shape of my office chair and so it just hurts all the time right now, but also slightly less over all and also my posture even when standing is improving bit by bit? I'll take my wins where I can get them.
I am not letting myself play video games this morning because I need to work on my paper for my advisor, but I'm also considering moving my PlayStation back into my office so that I can play during downtime? I'm kind of a monster, it would seem. I just want to get caught up with the storyline in Beyond Light and I don't have time for anything now that work isn't wrapping up until 5 or 6 pm, which is normally the time of day when I start to wind down. I suppose the real answer is that I need to start working LATER in the day, but I can't do that until after training, because that's 8-2:30 and then my evening is full of meetings to catch me up on other stuff.
It's fine. I'm just trying to hard to stay on top of things, but I also need to make sure I have down time, but also I need to make sure that I'm not just looking out for myself.
Being an adult is never not hard.
I'm going to go and get my calendar updated for today and then try to knock out a page or two on this paper.
Oh hey, I've been meaning to include this but then constantly forgetting. Do you use Duolingo>? Do you want to be pals? I've been working really hard on my Spanish and as much as I hate online networks that are CORPORATE I'd also like to have some pals on there. Here's my profile , let's be pals!
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Okay so day 2 of being a person who follows through on things and also allows herself the space to relax.
I got all of my morning chores doen, so that's good. I also worked out. It was just doing a long-hold run through of a sun salutation, but it is still a lot because I'm so out of shape. I want to get my flexibility and position hold strength back up before I dig into a few DAREBEE
that I thought would be good. I can say that trying very hard to maintain good posture in my work chair is also slowly starting to not feel like my spine is turning into a pretzel. I thought for a moment that the chair was trying to kill me when in fact it's just that I have been slouching my entire life. Go figure. Now, however, I'm battling the problem where my regular, relaxing slouch is starting to hurt so I guess there's just no winning. Ha. Ha. Ha.I haven't done my day specific cleaning chores yet because it is a lot of vacuuming and spouse's mom is still in bed. I think I'm going to just incorporate that into my lunch break. I also need to work in some time to rework the reflection I wrote for this class because I did it all wrong and also it needs to be way longer and it's just kind of depressing but it'll be fine I just need to get back into the swing of dense, over-long, academic writing. It's been a while.
Anyway, I think this update is gonna be short. I want to take a peak at my work inbox (I'm not putting it on my phone because otherwise I'll be one of those gross people who works all the time and I hated when I was that person) prior to what I would consider the start of my day and get a handle on how many, if any, new meetings got thrown onto my calendar. This is my life now; an endless series of meetings set by other people. I'll be glad when I'm done training and I'm the one setting the meetings.
Dear spine, please stop trying to curl under. Those days are over.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.