I'm micromanaging my way to happiness at work today. Just organizing databases and tweaking templates and feeling really good. I also only have one meeting today and it's not for 5 more hours and it's the last day until fucking December that I'm not in at LEAST 4 hours of meetings a day. So. Enjoy it while I've got it.
Sun is out and that is nice. Feeling way better as I soak up lots of warm, glowing vitamin d. Also just soaking in the sun. I'm glad my office window faces east, I get a wonderful start to my day whenever it's not cloudy and terrible.
I also worked out this morning. As I work to accommodate the increasing lack of sunlight I'm still trying to find a good time for working out and our daily walks and I think that morning work out and then evening walk is probably going to be the only sustainable thing until next spring. Fucking hate winter. Hate it. Hate autumn. Only like Spring cos days are getting longer. I really need to get to either Barcelona or Costa Rica. Just... warmth and sunshine and none of this cold, dark bullshit. (I realize Barcelona days will be similar to here light-wise, but THEY ARE WARMER and so that's an acceptable compromise I GUESS.)
I have had pain in my side for like 4 days whenever I work out or go for a walk and it took me to this morning to correlate that to the fact that it's ~uterus time~. I was hoping that working out would make it go away but instead it's worse? OH WELL. Since I'm not allowed to make my own reproductive choices (all I want is a hysterectomy) I guess I'm stuck with this bullshit for 20 more years (my family is very fertile both in potency and duration of fertility and it's such trash).
I am in the market for a new GP. Maybe it's time to move from the catholic health systems here to the university and see if I can find a fucking adult who is willing to let me make adult decisions about my adult ass life.
Maybe I'll just leverage a lot of myths about people with uteruses and say my life is unmanageably miserable and won't some man please save me from myself.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
I am cracking up looking at my entries this week. Mostly because those days I started positive turned into peak garbage fire, and those where I came in negative things were fine mostly? I don't think it's indicative of any woo woo bullshit, I just think it's funny.
It's cloudy today. It was cloudy yesterday. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I am trying to be like "it's just nature" but like... The days are getting shorter SO FAST and not having that sunshine is just...so depressing.
I'm also having just the worst stitches in my side? First it was just on our walks but now it's like all the damn time? I am thinking it is either uterus stuff or potentially a new anxiety/stress response. Either way I do not like it and would like it to stop please and thank you.
I am trying this thing where I keep myself separate from my job. Like, I DO the job, but I am NOT the job. The problem is that there are just a billion problems and if I don't sink inordinate time and energy into it it just doesn't get fixed cos no one else 1) thinks outside their silo, and 2) thinks any of it is actually a problem. It's fun. Fun is what I'm having.
Bleh. Anyway, I'm gonna go fold some socks. Socks don't make me mad.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
I'm feeling much better today. Sort of. It's cloudy which makes me sad and tired. But I'm feeling better about work. So I should probably get some work stuff done. Womp.
I need to find a new GP. Mine moved to fucking South Carolina. I'm morose over it. She was the best doctor ever.
I'm feeling that seasonal change scatter where it's hard for me to focus. Not that it's not hard to focus all the time, but it's just... I miss the sun y'all. I miss it so much.
I think I'm gonna just really go hard on ASMR and trying to power through this project at work.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
Rearranging my day is such a mindfuck. Idk how I feel about moving walks/workouts to the end of the day, but it needs to be done cos there's only so much sunlight and also my productivity is highest in the morning and so that's really when I need to focus on work.
I am over today and it hasn't even started. This isn't sustainable. Let me go and refresh my entire brain meats. One ASMR video and then refocus.
Or no. I'm going to work now. I'm just going to work. I can relax and regroup and refocus later.
I can do this.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
October is so hard and it makes me sad cos I actually do love it. I know a lot of this is psychosomatic because I've just had a lot of bad Octobers in a row and the timing is arbitrary in the overlap. So part of this is I need to fix my brain to realize that a time of day/year is not indicative of anything other than the passage of time and either the lengthening or shortening of days.
I have been thinking on this a lot in general recently cos there is so much research into how folks can't move past PTSD if they let it define themselves rather than externalizing it as a thing that happened as opposed to endemic to who they are. I'm also dealing with some crabby disillusionment with my job and all of this happening at the same time just dials my cranky ass up to eleven. So I'm going to be more proactive about not being a fatalist or crying about things that are outside of my control.
I dressed nice today because I wanted to feel good about myself. It's silly but it is helping me to externalize my dread and frustration with work, so hey I guess it's working.
I'm avoiding work today while working because I'm trying to find an even keel. Probably going to bite me in the ass at some point, but I need to do this and I can't actually take time off (my problem, not a work decree) and so this is my next best choice.
We've moved our daily walks to the evening since the sunlight is just not cooperating now that we're digging into autumn. Alas. It's fine, just realigning some priorities.
I feel like all I'm doing is playing jenga with my priorities and I'm not actually ever getting anything done. Oh right. This is definitely rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Neat.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
Some days I love my job. Some days I want to quit. Today is one of the latter.
I am tired. I've gotten nothing done because there's too much to do.
I don't feel like my work commitment is respected.
I let people ask for far too much.
I need [other company] to hire me.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.